In short · Summary by AI
Alex Cooper's 'Situationship Survival Guide' argues that situationships are a widespread epidemic that leaves people anxious and addicted to the highs of inconsistent attention. She walks through common types and phases, explains the psychology of intermittent reinforcement, and urges listeners to stop fantasizing, accept the other person's stated intentions, and refocus on their own needs.
- Situationships are an epidemic with a bond of wanting a relationship on one side and attention without commitment on the other, and she advises not to enter one.
- She outlines several types, including the classic casual situationship, the deadline situationship where one person is moving away, intimacy-in-front avoidance-in-back, and the long-running sleeper situationship.
- Inconsistent attention triggers intermittent reinforcement, which makes people chase the dopamine hits much like a Vegas slot machine.
- The situationship typically moves through phases: the initial high, trying to stay chill while craving exclusivity, spiraling into detective behavior, and finally an ending that often comes without closure.
- Grieving a situationship is harder because you are mourning unlived potential and a fantasy rather than a real partner.
- She recommends taking the person off a pedestal, believing what they say about not wanting something serious, and refocusing on your own needs and patterns, with therapy if needed.
- 0:00Introducing the Situationship Epidemic
- 2:17Defining What a Situationship Is
- 4:19Common Situationship Types Explained
- 9:13How Situationships Begin and Escalate
- 16:55Detective Mode and Spiraling Anxiety
- 21:19How Situationships End
- 30:05Why Situationship Breakups Hurt More
- 34:07Stop Fantasizing and Refocus on Yourself
- 40:22Recognizing Patterns and Closing Thoughts
Introducing the Situationship Epidemic
0:00Hello everyone. Welcome back to another Sunday session. I realize there is an epidemic that we kind of need to address, okay? And it's affecting our nation. It's affecting our friends. It's affecting our family, our co-workers. It's affecting the girls at your Pilates sculpt classes. It is. It's always been prevalent in our society, but I fear it is becoming more popular than ever.
0:30What am I talking about? [laughter] I am of course talking about the good old situationship. Okay, do not get me wrong. I am sure situationships have been around since the beginning of time. There was absolutely someone caveman days being like, "Hey, I I would really like to hang out with you, you know, in this cave, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now."
0:58And I'm not judging anyone for getting caught in a situationship. I actually would say you probably haven't even lived until you've tiptoed around the what are we conversation for about 3 months, right? But I will say I think it is time to face this epidemic head on. daddy gang. Which is why today I wanted to present to you the Call Her Daddy situationship detox plan.
1:28Here we go. Everyone's like, "Nope, I'm clicking out." I totally get if you're in a situationship and you don't want to hear from me right now. Live with your head in the sand, right? Like, I get it, girl. Some of you are like, "No, no, no, no, no." But I do think a lot of you want to hear about this because I've gotten a lot of DMs of like how to survive a situationship.
1:45So, let's just get into it. What exactly even is a situationship? I am so glad that you asked. I was talking to my friend about this the other day and she's recently single. She's not ready to start seriously dating again. But she did say to me, she's like, "But I don't know, like maybe I would love a situationship."
2:08I literally like grabbed her wrist and I was like, "Listen to me. Listen to me, Becky." Okay, that's not her name. But I said we do not want a situationship. Okay, because because because because for so many reasons. Because the very foundation of a situationship is built upon the idea that one person wants a relationship and the other wants the attention without the commitment.
Defining What a Situationship Is
2:34And so, sure, Becky, you can seek one out and find someone willing to come over and snuggle and watch Grey's Anatomy with you, but then are you down for days of wondering if he's going to text you? Is that really worth that one couch snuggle or that one really good like, h, but he's so good in bed? I know what you're thinking cuz I've been there before.
3:00You're like, you know what? Maybe maybe it's the woman who would be the one in the situationship. Okay. And I I guys I completely agree. Girls can want casual too. Women can want casual too. That's not what I'm saying. I am just saying that you have to be honest with yourself about it. And with love to me, myself and I when I was in college and high school and out of college and to all my girls watching and to my friends that I was having brunch with.
3:29I just know the second the guy is going to tell my friend at least in this current situation in her mental state like uh you look so cute in sweatpants. I know she's cooked. I know she's cooked cuz I know she actually likes this guy. And as much as she's like oh my god a situationship would be like kind of major with him.
3:48No, no, no. A relationship would be major with him. You're just saying the beginning days of this could be major with him. But then you're also kind of fantasizing. you're not actually thinking about crying on the bathroom floor when he doesn't answer you at 2 a.m. As I was talking to her about this, I did realize, and I think it's important to break this down, situationships come in all shapes and sizes, and I think it's important to identify them, especially if you are someone that
4:13could be getting caught up in these, right? So, I want to walk through a few today. Again, all of the queens calling the shots in a situationship, I salute you. I love you. But to make it easier today, I am going to just kind of talk to the girls, which is primarily my audience who are in a situationship with a man and they want more.
Common Situationship Types Explained
4:30Okay, again, I know I know that we can be the players too, guys. But you guys, if you are in that situation, you don't need my help. We need the girls who are currently crying on the bathroom floor. This is for you. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Hidden Valley Ranch. Daddy gang, it is almost Halloween, which means most of you are probably, I don't know, scouring the internet trying to find the perfect costume right about now.
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6:07The first situationship that I want to address because there's a bunch of different ones is just the classic situationship. Okay, case A, let's call it. You basically, let's say you start hooking up with a guy who says he doesn't want anything serious. He just got out of a long-term relationship two whole years ago, probably.
6:28But you hold on tight in case he changes his mind. Right. That's case A. That's like the classic. I would say case B is like the deadline situationship, right? And this is kind of more when like he likes he says he likes you, but he also tells you immediately like, oh, he's moving away in usually in an unidentified amount of time, right?
6:51Like maybe it's for business school or maybe, you know, he's going to surf camp in Costa Rica at the end of summer. Either way, he basically explains to you he can't get attached before he moves and you know, god forbid he falls in love and you guys do long distance. That's not an option. Okay, he's moving so we have to keep it casual.
7:09Then I would say the other option of a situationship case would be more like the intimacy in the front, avoidance in the back situationship. What does that even mean? Okay, what I mean is on the second date he introduces you to his parents. Oh yes, he does. And on the third date, you know, you're driving down the coast, you're going to Joshua Tree with him for a weekend away.
7:35It is all gas. It is no breaks. You are flying high until he accuses you of moving too fast. And then he goes radio silent and he leaves you watching avoidant attachment Tik Toks and he completely ghosts you and you have no idea what you did wrong. You're like, "Wait, I literally met his parents. I may or may not had my entire Pinterest board as wedding dresses and engagement rings.
7:57What happened? It's like, babe, you happened thinking that this man who you've known for 48 hours was actually in love with you. Sorry, was that too harsh? Okay, then case D. I would say this is like the sleeper situationship. Okay. And this one I do think may have kind of gotten a lot of us. It's gotten me before.
8:20It's probably gotten you before. It's the sneakiest one. It's maybe the most common one, which is the situationship that can just be hiding in plain sight. Case in point, it's called, or I'm calling it the sleeper situationship, right? It has been going on for so long and you look up and you realize it is 2 years later and he still thinks it's too soon to bring you to his college friend's wedding.
8:472 years. We're in the camp for 2 years. You know everyone in his life. You know every mole on his body. You know every tattoo. You know every craving. You know every food he likes. You know everything. You know everything about him. But still still there's no permanence to it. Right. I think no matter the case, whichever one you've fallen into, it basically I think every situationship it has a few classic benchmarks.
How Situationships Begin and Escalate
9:17So I want to like talk about basically like the life of a situationship starting from the very beginning like how does this happen right and what are the effects of it to all my girls. Okay, let's start with there is this adrenaline high that comes with entering into a situationship, right? Let me set the scene.
9:39Maybe you're at the bar. Maybe you matched on Tinder, but you meet this guy and the chemistry is undeniable. It is electric. It's just immediate, right? And then from there, anytime his name pops up on your phone, your heart just drops. And pretty soon you're texting every single day and you're both going back and forth and the speed is lightning and you're texting and you're hanging out one or two nights a week and you're sending pictures of the food you ate for lunch and all of a sudden you
10:10kind of start to have these inside jokes and it's, you know, it's not consistent, but it's a high that you start to have and you're not dumb. you're not fully planning a wedding in your head yet, but you're also not not looking at your wedding schedule for next summer and you know thinking about like ooh like am I allowed to bring a plus one to Cassandra's wedding cuz he could be the one.
10:34And so it's like in a real relationship, you're getting constant reassurance, but in a situationship, one day you're the sexiest woman he's ever laid eyes on, and then the next you don't exist enough to even warrant a text. Okay? And so this is where psychology just comes through and hits us right in the face, you guys.
10:53When this happens, this actually triggers something called intermittent reinforcement, which let me just explain. It literally means it's basically the same exact feeling as if you go to Vegas, okay, and you keep hitting those slot machines, ladies, and you're like, "Boom, boom, hit it again. Boom, the slot machines."
11:16That high, that feeling is the same thing in a situationship. When you don't know when the next hit is coming, whether it's a kiss or a text, your brain starts chasing after it. And because it's so unpredictable, like a Vegas slot machine, your brain releases a way bigger spike of dopamine when it actually finally arrives cuz you're waiting.
11:40You're waiting. You're waiting. Oh my god, it happened. So, in a normal consistent relationship, you can just be level-headed and you can ask yourself like, "Oh, do I actually like this guy?" Like but in a situationship you literally become addicted to the highs that this very very very emphasis on very average man's attention is giving you.
12:05So like I think it's like really important to also recognize like guys like he's actually not that special. It's literally just the up and down feels so good to our bodies even though it's not good for our bodies that it's like masking that he's actually an interesting standup man that you're like h so good in my family.
12:24And so that's why all the red flags I think go out the freaking window, right? He still brings up his ex, but like isn't it just so great? like he's been in a serious relationship before. It's like I will know. [gasps] But this is guys, this is what we do ourselves. I'm like, "Okay, fine." Like, you know, he's never once mentioned like any future plan, but you know, he we're taking things day by day.
12:53Like we're good like that. Like we communicate like when it's time, it's time. We don't want to rush anything. Like, and then all of a sudden, right as you start to get comfortable and you keep telling yourself all these lies, right as you stop analyzing every text and hookup and you kind of like start to get a little bit more comfortable, the sky, it's like a movie.
13:16The sky just like randomly turns dark and all the crows start to circle and you feel a little chill down your spine. You're like, "What's [laughter] going on?" >> [snorts] >> And maybe he doesn't, you know, respond to a text for a day. Maybe you talked about hanging out after his work thing and he never followed up with you.
13:35Maybe he stopped Snapchatting you. Good morning. Even though you can see he's active and his snap score keeps going up and you tell yourself, [clears throat] "Oh, yeah. Um, he's just busy. He's busy with work. He's such a working man." But you know the truth. You know the truth, guys. Something has shifted.
14:00So that is like phase one of our situationships. Lightning. Boom. I'm in love. This is amazing. He didn't text me. Oh my god. I got the dopamine hit. Boom. He's back. Oh, this feels good. And then you enter phase two. And phase two is basically trying to be chill while having absolutely no chill. And this is the phase where maybe you kind of lightly bring up somehow some way without coming off like a full psycho the idea of being exclusive, right?
14:34And and maybe you don't verbatim say the word exclusive, but you kind of start to like test the waters a little bit cuz you're a little bit like, okay, all of this inconsistency is starting to make me feel like I need a little bit more consistency and I like him, so like let's try to lock something down here a little bit.
14:49And when you try to bring this up, [sighs and gasps] you're met with the classic, I really like hanging out with you. I'm just like not ready for something serious. And then you tell yourself, cuz you just got rejected. You tell yourself, "Oh my god, it's totally valid." Totally. Totally. Right. Like, babe, don't be crazy.
15:11Like, Rome wasn't built in a day. I can't expect too much. Maybe you even remember that story that your girlfriend told you about how her dad wasn't sure about her mom and now they've been married for 40 years and they have four kids and they're you know their marriage is so successful and it's like see Tim Tim and Tim Tim and Teresa they didn't have an immediate bond but now they live on the culde-sac and they've got four kids and that is so going to be me and him right and you
15:45think, okay, okay, Tim and Teresa, Tim and Teresa, what's the harm in me and Bobby taking our time, right? And then you start to really just say like, I am that I'm that cool girl. I'm not some crazy girl who needs commitment. I know all my friends are kind of like, girl, he doesn't really like you, but like I'm better than that.
16:08Like, I don't need commitment. I trust him. You're chill. You're zen. You're [gasps] almost like, let me just tell you, you're lying to yourself, but we we're not going to acknowledge that yet. Oh, we're so zen. Okay? And you're lying to yourself because in the process you are slowly day by day, text by text, casual hang by casual hang compromising on what you want, which is a relationship, which is to clarify, not that I should have to a totally valid want because you are a human being, right?
16:47And so that's why each passing day the anxiety just starts to get a little worse. Okay. Hurts a little bit more. Every stupid thumbs up text with no response and they just double tap it and give you a little liked. It kind of starts to feel like a dagger to your soul. At first you were like, "Oh, he's just busy."
Detective Mode and Spiraling Anxiety
17:10And now you're starting to be like, "What does that mean? Oh my god, what what does that mean?" And you start to spiral more and more because you feel more invested. and he hasn't even moved off the line of when you guys first met at the bar. He still looks at you the exact same way and you have progressed in your mind.
17:29[sighs and gasps] And that is where we enter good old phase three. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. Okay, I am well into my third trimester now, so I haven't really been able to travel because I need to stay close to my doctor. But spending all this time at home has made me start thinking about all the places that I want to go once the baby is here.
17:52I have literally been sitting on my couch with a TV on, scrolling through Airbnb and planning trips I am nowhere ready to take yet. But suddenly my vacation priorities I will say are completely different. Like does the house have enough bedrooms? Is there a big kitchen? Does the furniture look baby safe?
18:09Or is every table covered in, you know, sharp corners? And obviously we need an extra room for my mom who has already made it very clear that she will not be leaving my side. She's like, "I got you. I'm the babysitter." Okay. And now that it is October, I'm picturing cooler weather, cozy sweaters. Oh my god.
18:29Maybe a little cottage where we can escape for a little weekend. That's what I love about booking a home on Airbnb. Whether you're traveling with family, friends, or your partner, everyone has space to relax while still being together. Even if you're traveling for a concert or a game, you have one place where everyone can get together and convene after.
18:50Before the holiday season gets busy, treat yourself to one more fall getaway and check out Airbnb while you're planning it. This is where you become a detective. You become a detective. So the opposite of anxiety is action, right? And so that's what you do to distinguish this all-consuming feeling of complete lack of control.
19:17You start to get real creepy. [laughter] We've all been there. Um my friend who shall not be named, I remember in college she once made a burner account for just some fake brand at the time. And she bought followers, she bought likes, she bought engagement, all so that she could follow all of the random blondes that her situationship followed on Instagram.
19:42And you guys, it was so convincing. Okay. She was so good at being a detective that one of these women actually DM'd her to do a brand collab. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And even though our stalking powers, they run deep and they are impressive and we deserve an award. Honestly, this isn't healthy. [laughter] I will say though, when I look back at some of the days of me like sleuththing and just like looking at my situationships, I would be like, I am literally Inspector Gadget on a level that like I
20:22I need someone to know this. like I need to I need to brag about the work that [laughter] I've done today. Like I remember sometimes my roommate would come home and I would be like, "Alex, shout out Alex." Um I'd be like, "Alex, come sit down and let me just like walk you through what I did today." And she'd like get she'd like make herself a cocktail and she'd just be like, "Tell me what you did."
20:46You're like, "How did I even come up with that?" But when you're that desperate to understand where your situationship is, oh my god, you will go above and beyond. Like it is so not healthy. It puts our bodies truly when we get to this detective mode, you guys. It puts our bodies into a further state of anxiety and it makes the man just the pure focus of your life of all of your attention.
21:13And he then becomes even more of a prize, something that we just want to win. It's like this game we start playing with ourselves. Which is why it's actually a good thing. And I know this doesn't feel like a good thing in the moment, but it's actually a good thing when you do enter phase 4, which is the ending.
How Situationships End
21:30[laughter] EVERYONE'S LIKE, "NO, [gasps] I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TELL US how to keep a situationship and make him fall in love and marry us." No. No. [gasps and sighs] Okay. So, the ending, maybe you get a text. Maybe maybe you run into him at a bar with another girl. Oh, it's happened to me. It stings.
21:57Maybe he says he just needs to focus on his career right now. We've all gotten that one at some point. That one is like, well, you could still be delusional when he does that, too. You're like, "Oh my god, he's such a career man." And he's like, "No, but I'm going to be so focused on my career. I can never see you again."
22:14And you're like, "Okay, but like what about like maybe if you catch a break, he's like, "I'm never going to stop focusing [laughter] on my career." And then you're like, "Okay, I see what you're saying." Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a punch to the face, right? Um or maybe he just ghosts you. I don't know which is worse, right?
22:31Um or honestly, I think worst case scenario could be um and this has actually happened to me back in college. O, I still get a chill down my spine when I think about it because I will say I didn't do this often, but I slipped up one big time. You have one too many tequila sodas and you just blurt out your feelings at 3:00 a.m.
22:53after the bar. you're hammered and you send a paragraph and you just tell him everything that you've been feeling and just building up in the situationship and literally he either one ghosts you or he responds with like I hey like I told you like I didn't want anything serious from the beginning like so sorry.
23:15[gasps] Oh my god. And then you wake up and you're like that's when you just like literally have to delete the thread and you're like that never happened. I'm one with God. The birds are chirping. the sky is blue. When you send that text and you're like, I sent a paragraph. Oh my god. Or you called them a million times and they weren't answering you and then you're like, oh my god, like you see that you called him 14 times or you pretended like you really needed him.
23:40Like not in danger, but you're like, "Oh my god, like I like I need a place to stay or I'm right around the corner." Like and then they just ghost go and they're like literally like leave me alone. [laughter] Whichever way you get there, it's over, right? Some which way or whatever, whether it was so embarrassing and catastrophic or just like a light embarrassment, something happens and it's over.
24:02and all that time obsessing all those plans that didn't happen, all those things that weren't said and you start to go through total withdrawal and it feels awful and it sucks because to emphasize guys in a normal breakup, everyone's checking in on you. Oh, you and Marty broke up. We're coming over. We're bringing a six-pack.
24:28We're coming over. Don't you worry. We're bringing the pizza. They're taking you out for dinners. They're giving you comfort food. Your friends are buying you [ __ ] okay? And they're telling you how amazing you are and how this glow up, this post breakup glow up, oh my god, you're going to just be better than ever.
24:44And you're like, "Thanks, guys." And they're just so there for you and they're just constantly telling you how you're going to get through this. And they're picking you up and you're allowed to get drunk and cry and you're allowed to eat pints of ice cream because you're healing, queen. You are you're healing.
25:01But when a situationship ends,
25:10well, there's no pictures to delete off of social media cuz again, you never dated. Um, you probably, if anything, have like pictures in your camera roll of like his back that you like would send to your friends cuz like he also probably has never really like wanted to take a formal pick of you. So, you've got like the arm pick that like you quickly took when he was looking away that you posted on your Instagram story and you like, you know, muted him so he couldn't see it.
25:33And then like you've got like these like random oneoff photos that you're like scrolling and looking at that you have to delete, but there's like probably not one photo of the two of you actually formally together. So, you don't really have to delete that many photos. Um, but regardless, you go through this and your pain is minimized.
25:51It's it's going to be minimized, right? It's like you're kind of not allowed to be sad. um or like a little messy because babe, this was never real. [laughter] Your friends are like, "We've literally told you that he hates you and we saw him having intercourse in Jack's bar in the bathroom and you told us that we saw that wrong and it was a different man with curly black hair and we you ignored us."
26:26Like, "This never was real." And you're literally like, "Oh my god, I can't even cry cuz they're right. It never existed. It never happened. There's no evidence. There's no evidence. Which makes you even more sad and lonely. It's even more devastating. You're like, "Oh my god. Oh my god, I'm so alone."
26:43I remember I had a friend and she broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years and she actually barely cried. [laughter] I had a friend that broke up with her boyfriend of like 6 years and she barely cried. But when her situationship of two months imploded, she was a freaking mess. It was Defcon 5. Okay, guys.
27:08The amount of just we are we are open that bottle of chilled red. We are downing it. We are talking about it. And I literally was like, "Guys, I will be the friend that understands the situationship issue, but there are a lot of friends that will not give you any grace, any grace when your situationship ends."
27:26But I was like, "Oh my god." I did take account. I'm like, "Damn, you didn't cry when you and Tommy broke up like this." What I did tell her though, I remember, is it is so hard to get over a situationship because there is no closure, right? There's no big we need to talk. There's no threehour crying sit down where you go to their apartment or they come to yours.
27:49It just honestly kind of fizzles out and then you're left holding the bag wondering what's wrong with you that this person couldn't fall in love with you. And the answer, I think you all know this, but I'm going to say it. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. I know it is a huge ass hit to the ego, but the best of us, we're going to find ourselves in situationships.
28:16That's just the reality, right? And it's not a judgment on your worth. It's an issue of incompatibility with this one. Honestly, probably subpar human. It has nothing to do with your inadequacy. Like, just know you're in great company. Okay? When I think about this, I remember when I was going through a situationship, and I think it was my sister that told me this.
28:39She's like, "Babe, look at Meredith Gray." Okay? Meredith and Derek from Grey's Anatomy. Pick me, choose me, love me. That sounds like a 3:00 a.m. terrible night when you're texting your situationship. Okay, that sounds like a girl in a situationship with a guy that can't commit. Meanwhile, he had a wife.
28:59So, you know, if you're doing better if your situationship doesn't have a wife. I also always take solace in the fact that even our biggest pop star in the world got herself caught in a situationship. My queen, my absolute everything, Miss Taylor, Allison Swift. Okay, think about this to make yourself feel better if you're going through a breakup, but it's a situationship, so no one actually cares.
29:27Think about this. Okay, Taylor dated Joe for what we can understand as years, right? But all of her songs from what we can gather on Tortured Poets were about Maddie Healey. A situationship, a situationship. We have Joe and then we have Maddie. And oh my god, those songs were incredible and they're some of my favorite of her songs, but it's more about the situationship than the actual relationship she was in.
29:54So, if Taylor is going through it, so can we. Okay. And I get it's confusing, right? Like why can we get over the end of a relationship that was legit and it was our boyfriend but we can get totally destroyed by a situationship like uh that is annoying and that doesn't make sense. It it does make sense you guys.
Why Situationship Breakups Hurt More
30:15I'm saying the answer it's it's because there is unlived potential. That's the answer. That's why situationships ending hurt so much more than an actual relationship. If you think about it, in a normal relationship, you break up because you probably saw through to the bitter end or they cheated on you or something, but you really lived it out.
30:35You lived out the possibility of dating this person. You know that he leaves his gross beard hair, you know, when he trims it with his trimmer all in the sink. You know that his mom is overly attached and would make insane comments probably when you got pregnant. She'd make really really fat shaming comments if you ever got pregnant about your body.
30:55Like you just know her up and down. You can read her to her filth, okay? You know her ticks and you know that he made a kind of shitty boyfriend or he was great and then the ending there was just not compatibility. Like whatever the story is, you know by the end with your boyfriend what the story was.
31:11But with a situationship, it is totally flipped. It's all about the fantasy and possibility with none of the reality. You don't know how this person would be in a relationship. You have never been able to just show up at their apartment and leave your stuff so casually and comfortably and sleep there and stay there when he goes to work.
31:33Like, this is not the toothbrush isn't all that. No. And I know it's a hard truth, but I think I do have to believe it actually helps when you talk about it like this. Get over a situationship. You have to acknowledge you are not mourning this person. Okay? If a situation ends and you feel like you're actually dying inside and you're like, why does this hurt?
31:57You're not mourning this person. This person didn't want to be with you. This person probably actually sucks and you're actually what you're mourning is all the ways that you have built him up in your head. And guess what? The fantasy relationship will always be better than the real one. Every single damn time.
32:25But in order to truly get over the situationship, you need to stop fantasizing about this man. You need to take him off of the pedestal. Stop giving him credit for literally just existing. Let's go back to what I said. I said it in my um right person, wrong time episode. The fantasy is not real. Don't think about how he, you know, would have gotten along great with your sister's husband or, you know, how he it would have been so fun to travel to Mayorca together.
32:52None of that. No. No. He's not your person. And you want to know why I know that is because you will never have to convince your person to want you. You will never have to act chill and unbothered and push down all of your feelings to not scare them away. The games won't matter. The texting won't matter.
33:13I mean the texting like obviously like don't send insane text just in general, but you know what I mean. Like I had texted Matt some crazy text messages in the beginning if I was like drunk or whatever. And like we made it, you know, we made it. We made it, Matt. Really? You you you dealt with a lot and we made it.
33:32Okay. And see, a situationship would have just run cuz they're like, I don't need all this headache. GH. And Matt was like, okay, that's that's a lot, but all right, let's talk about it. Let's I'll take you to brunch and let me hear it. So, just know that even if your situationship gets in a relationship, also maybe the next week.
33:53[laughter and gasps] Wouldn't that hurt? No. It's you two weren't meant to be because guess what? He will probably be emotionally unavailable to that person too. And if he's not, then they were meant to be and you weren't. Okay. So, I will say the final kind of phase of the situationship detox plan is stop making it about him and make it about you.
Stop Fantasizing and Refocus on Yourself
34:14In the situationship, you made all these little concessions along the way, right? But ask yourself, this is what I ask of you today is like, do I want to be with someone who leaves me unread for days? Do I want to be with someone who makes me feel anxious, who makes me feel insecure, who sometimes I even feel embarrassed around?
34:38The answer is no. You all know the answer. You have to basically take the spotlight that you are shining on this person and you need to swing it back around to yourself and you need to tell the part of your brain that is saying, "Oh my god, something is wrong with me because this one person of all these billion people on the planet didn't want you."
35:00Like you need to just realize what is the first thing he told you. Okay? A lot of times when you get into a situationship, they actually told you they didn't want to be in a relationship. They weren't looking for anything serious. And you not being able to change his mind, it's not a failure on you or your character, but you also need to be like, "Okay, why am I trying so hard to change this man?
35:24He told me. He told me, right? And if anything, this guy has probably learned either subconsciously or consciously that girls get hooked when he's inconsistent, right? And if he were to start being consistent, they'd see him for who he really is and he would lose all of them. Like there's such power that men I think find where they're like, "Oh my god, if I never fully show her who I am and I kind of ghost her and then I kind of show up and I kind of like maybe take her on a date once a week like or once
35:52every couple weeks." A woman is going to be like, "Wow, this guy's amazing." But if he's consistent, then all of a sudden you start to really understand who he is and then all of a sudden you're like, "Oh, he's not actually that great." So maybe they've also figured it out. situation work really well for men cuz they get to kind of hide all their flaws and then we just like fill in all the blanks with all the roses and the fun stuff and we're like he's so amazing and it's like give me an example what has he
36:13done and you can't also I will say if you're still fantasizing about this person there is literally no room to look ahead and what I mean by that is like you're comparing every new guy you meet to a fictionalized version of this guy that doesn't exist. Like, you can't have this guy in your head and try to actually move forward.
36:39What if Taylor was still hung up on Maddie Healey? She would have never met Travis. Okay, look at our girl go now. They have a dog together, it seems. And the dog is adorable. Okay, she got everything she wanted because she finally moved on from her situationship and because none of us ever know what's right around the corner.
37:01But girl, I guarant [ __ ] tee you. Just listen to me. Letting go of your situationship is so much better than hanging on for dear life hoping he will one day decide to change his mind. I am telling you. Okay, you know what changes minds? losing you and realizing it was a huge mistake. But by that time, you'll be off of the situationship addiction train, and you'll actually be able to see him with clear eyes, full heart, can't lose.
37:28Oh, you're a loser. He It's so fun when a situationship comes back around and you're like, I actually just got the ick. I can't believe I ever had sex with you. Oh my god, what was I thinking? I was in a vortex. I was in an actual lovebombed haze. And I had no idea. You deserve so much better. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Shopify.
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39:07It is six o'clock. You just got home after a really long day from work. You are exhausted. You are starving. And the absolute last thing that you want to do is cook. All you want is something easy, delicious, satisfying, like an Uncrustables sandwich. There's just one problem. Oh no, it's frozen. Now you're standing in your kitchen negotiating with a sandwich.
39:30Do I wait? Absolutely not. Do I sit on it for a few minutes? I've thought that before. Okay, maybe. Listen, we have all made questionable decisions when we are hungry. But Daddy Gang, we don't have to live like this anymore. You can now keep Uncrustables sandwiches in your fridge so they're ready to eat the second the craving hits.
39:51My mom always kept Uncrustables in our house growing up and I remember every day after school, after soccer practice, I would just grab one. They were my go-to snack then and still they are honestly today still my go-to snack. So next time you're staring into the fridge wondering what should I eat, make sure there's an uncrustable sandwich waiting there for you.
40:13Find them in the freezer aisle today. I know this is not easy and like I have always said if I was listening to this when I was in college I either would have turned it off or been like la and taken what I wanted and ignored the rest. We have to be really honest with ourselves about where we're at in our life.
Recognizing Patterns and Closing Thoughts
40:37And if you keep repeating patterns and getting into situationships and ignoring when people are telling you that they don't want something serious, I do think it's a problem. It's similar to when I've talked about, you know, like if you're looking for someone with like marriage material. If a man, I'm just using a man because what whatever.
40:55If a man is telling you like, "Yeah, I definitely don't want kids." Why are we trying to change his mind? If a man is telling you that, "Yeah, I would never want to do XYZ." Stop trying to change people's minds. I think it's so important. Listen to who someone tells you they are the minute they show you.
41:11In the very beginning, you guys, obviously, there are things that you can uncover about people as you get to know them more, but I would say generally in the beginning, you can listen and you can observe and you can kind of get the gist of who someone is. And it's it is at some point on us to take accountability when people are showing us that and we decide to go blindly in and ignore these obvious signs.
41:36At some point, we have to recognize, oh, got it. It isn't even really about the person. You're addicted to something in the dynamic of the chase or the win or the dopamine hit or whatever it is. There's something with your ego that is getting so filled up. And trust me, you guys, when I was in college, and I've talked about this before, when I was younger, I didn't feel great.
42:00I wasn't like the girl that every guy was going for. And so, when I got to college and I felt so confident in myself and I was like, "Ugh, I had a glow up. Let's go. I was so obsessed with getting validation from men and playing games and the up and the down and like the chase. And I just got so addicted to it and it was so fun because I literally was like, I won.
42:21I won. I won. But then you're like, but what did you win? Whether you are like tricking them into liking you because you're actually not being authentically yourself and you're just showing up as a version because then you get to be like, "Oh my god, I got him." But you're like, "But you literally you you hate soccer and and you hate the foosball team that he plays on at the bar downtown every Thursday that you made matching shirts for and you go and you're on his foosball team now and you're like
42:52miserable when you're there and you're just pretending cuz you want to come off as the cool girl, but then all of a sudden you like keep going with him and you're like, "Why am I here?" Or like you pretend you like the whatever it is. You pretend you like the sex, you pretend you're having an orgasm.
43:02the more that you go along with things that you don't actually like, all of a sudden you're so much more invested in it. And they're just usually just like showing up as themselves, giving bare minimum energy, just being like, "Oh yeah, come on over." And you're putting so much work into something, but it's not genuinely making you feel good.
43:21And there's like an ulterior motive in your subconscious that is again fueling your ego or your insecurities or something from your childhood or whatever it be. And that is I think where we really have to look at ourselves and be like that's dangerous. Situationships are not dangerous, but if the you consistently see a pattern of yourself putting yourself in that situation, it's dangerous.
43:47And I did. I was addicted to the chase and the game and getting the guy and all of it. And then I got into therapy. I was like, "What's wrong with me? Why am I doing this?" And then I worked through it. And it was really hard to unlearn because the high is so insane. The high is so fun. The high is the high.
44:08Like I said, it's not much different than being in Vegas. So, be easy on yourself, but also just recognize the patterns. And yeah, that's all I will say for this week. I hope the situationship detox hit you right where it needed to hit you. And just know, I've been through it. So, I'm not coming on here as anyone.
44:28No one's judging you, okay? And we kind of all have to go through it. And it is fun until it's not. And it's not anymore. So, end it. Um, okay. I love you guys so much. You know the [ __ ] drill. I will see you [ __ ] on Wednesday. Goodbye. [music]
44:53[music]
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