In short · Summary by AI
This SNL Weekend Update episode, hosted by Colin Jost and Michael Che, runs through a string of satirical news items, from Trump's missed Nobel Peace Prize to Pentagon and ICE controversies, a Kevin O'Leary AI data center sketch, and a mother-and-daughter fall tips segment. The main takeaway is a comedic critique of current political and social news rather than a single argument.
- Colin Jost and Michael Che open by joking that Trump did not win the Nobel Peace Prize, which went to Navi Pillay, a UN figure.
- The hosts mock Pentagon plans to livestream the Fort Hood shooter's execution and reports that ICE agents will use shock gloves.
- Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is criticized over a new Department of War logo resembling a Nazi-style eagle.
- Kevin O'Leary, the 'Shark Tank' investor, appears as a guest and defends his plan for a massive AI data center in Utah despite public opposition.
- A poll reportedly shows 75% of Americans oppose an AI data center near them, which the sketch uses to frame O'Leary's stance as absurd.
- Jokes cover topics including the American dream costing over $5 million, a Florida TikTok demonologist's arrest, and Halle Berry's denied accusations.
- The episode closes with a mother whose babysitter canceled sharing fall family activities alongside her daughter Coco in a comedic bit.
Opening Monologue and Nobel Prize
0:02-It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening, everyone. -Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che. -I'm Colin Jost. [ Cheers and applause ] Unfortunately we have to start tonight with a tragic developing story involving President Trump.
0:31No, not that. It's that President Trump has sadly not won the Nobel Peace Prize. I know, I know, but don't worry. I think he's taking it all in stride. -The Nobel Prize was given out today to a liberal person who works at the United Nations, who nobody has ever heard of. [ Laughter ] -He's genuinely angry that he didn't win the Peace Prize.
Trump, Pentagon, and ICE Jokes
0:59Trump kidnapped Venezuela's president. Then he did so much war that we're running out of missiles. And he still thought, "This is my year." [ Laughter ] It's truly like if I thought I might win an Oscar for "Tom & Jerry." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Navi Pillay, who learned she won the Nobel Peace Prize at a conference in Germany, joked with the crowd that if they clap a little more, she may share this prize with Trump, which is a harmless little joke that might make Trump bomb
1:35whatever country he thinks she's from. [ Laughter ] The Pentagon announced that the execution of the Fort Hood shooter would be livestreamed, which will be the first public execution in the U.S. since I want to say a couple of weeks ago? [ Audience groans ] I ruined the fun. [ Laughter ] ICE agents will reportedly start using shock gloves, which do not leave marks and cause incredible pain, hopefully to an agent who forgets to take them off at the urinal.
2:07[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is being criticized for a new Department of War logo that features an angular eagle similar to the one used by the Nazis. Hegseth asked how upset people were about it on a scale of here to here. [ Laughter, groaning ] Don't gif it, guys. -You finally got one on, Colin.
2:35[ Laughter ] -Hegseth also met with the crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln, which had been at sea for a record 322 days and is now docked next to -- Oh, no, the USS John Wilkes Booth. [ Laughter ] What are the odds? -During the Michigan Senate debate, Mike Rogers claimed that Abdul El-Sayed is being bought off by al-Qaeda.
3:01And that's what I can't stand about al-Qaeda -- the bribery. [ Laughter ]
3:11-President Trump says the U.S. does not think the death of a Russian laboratory worker from a suspected case of plague is the result of a bioweapon. But Trump also stressed that it's important to understand that he didn't really look into it, and he doesn't care what happens. [ Laughter ] -House Speaker Mike Johnson joked this week that if Republicans lose the House, he may go home to Louisiana and start a lawn business.
3:36Of course, in Louisiana, lawn business is just what you do when the toilet done broke. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. -Don't clap for that. The world's -- -[ Laughs ] -The world's superpowers, including the U.S., Russia and China, are now racing to be the first country to put a nuclear reactor on the moon.
4:00Y'all are the three craziest bitches on this planet. You know? I mean, it's like if Jen Shah, Kelly Dodd and Tamra Judge were competing to put a nuclear reactor on the moon, am I right? I mean, I'm genuinely asking. I don't know who any of those women are. [ Laughter ] -FBI Director Kash Patel announced that he is engaged in a staring contest with the tip of his nose.
4:28[ Laughter ]
Kevin O'Leary and AI Data Centers
4:33-According to a new poll, 75% of Americans would oppose an AI data center being built near them, making it one of the country's most unifying issues. Here to comment is the man who proposed building the world's largest data center in Utah. "Shark Tank's" Mr. Wonderful, Kevin O'Leary. [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you, Colin.
4:52It's a pleasure. Thanks for having me. -Thank you for being here. So what happened, Mr. Wonderful? Protesters in Utah are forcing you to downsize your project? -I'm glad you asked, Colin. And it's very simple. All I want is to buy up 40,000 acres of God's untouched splendor and replace it with a very loud computer that steals your job.
5:12[ Laughter ] Is it going to take up precious water? Absolutely. Is it going to provide a necessary service? Who's to say? But on the flip side, it's going to make me a tremendous amount of money. And I think that's great. [ Laughter ] -Right. Well, most Americans don't want data centers near them. -And I agree with them completely.
5:33-You do? -Of course, Colin. These things are terrible and shouldn't be anywhere. That's why I'm building one in Utah. And this is actually very simple. I'm going to show you on this map. Alright? See, this is Stratos, my data center with the most evil name of all time. And sure, it looks big. The noise and water pollution -- That's only going to affect this area.
5:57Colin, you have to understand, I don't live there. [ Laughter ] -Right. But, like, other people do live there. -You're missing the point. That's not real to me. Okay? Those people's lives, those are sims. Alright? Look, I'm a numbers guy, okay? When I missed out on investing in Scrub Daddy, I learned a very valuable lesson, which is I'm going to destroy the world.
6:23[ Laughter ] -That sounds pretty extreme. -Well, that's because you're poor. [ Laughter ] -Actually I'm not. My wife gives me lots of spending money. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] That's not nice. And aren't you being sued for defamation in Utah? -Look, yes, I made the mildly inflammatory claim that every single person in Utah who opposes me is a paid communist super agent from China.
6:54Was I wrong? Perhaps. But just because they're not, doesn't mean they aren't. -What? -Look, Colin, when I missed out on Bombas socks, I could have gotten mad. But instead I made a decision. I'm going to make the future go away. And we're doing just that in Utah. -Mr. Wonderful, everyone. -For that reason, I'm out.
7:16[ Cheers and applause ]
Quick Jokes on Babies and Costs
7:23-Tuesday is National No Bra Day. But -- [ Audience cheering ] But last year it was on a Monday, So I guess it kind of bounces around. [ Laughter ] -A group of scientists are studying whether newborn babies possess consciousness. If not, we can eat them. [ Light laughter ]
7:50-According to new data, the price of the American dream, which means owning a home, raising two kids and sending them to college, has risen to over $5 million, making it harder and harder for men to start that secret second family. [ Laughter ] -It's rough.
8:11A Florida TikTok creator who has a full face tattoo and calls himself a demonologist was arrested for allegedly revealing women's private information online. Man, it's always the ones you least expect. [ Laughter ] -Actress Halle Berry is denying accusations that she choked her teenage son. Despicable.
8:32I wish Halle Berry would try to choke somebody her own size. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -It got applause. -[ Laughs ] They want to see it. -Monday is Indigenous Peoples Day and Columbus Day, which is like if Easter was also National Nails Day. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God.
9:03An Ohio man has been sent to prison for texting a picture of Shrek's penis to a state senator. And I'm not going to show it to you, but let's just say Shrek might be part donkey. [ Laughter ] -The two oldest men alive, who turned 114 and 113 years old, share the exact same birthday. And they shared a little high five, killing them both.
9:29[ Laughter ] Got dark at the end. Well, fall has officially arrived. Very exciting. Here to share her tips for some fall family fun is a mother whose babysitter canceled. [ Cheers and applause ]
Fall Family Fun Segment
9:52-Hi, Colin. Happy fall. -Happy fall. Thanks for being here, both of you. -Oh, yes. Where are my manners? This is my daughter, Coco. She's my little buddy tonight because someone just wasn't getting along with the sitter, so. -I broke another one. -Yes. Yes, you did. Coco, you want to say hello to Colin?
10:16-Hello to Colin. [ Laughs ] -Great. -Great. So I am here to talk fun fall activities for the family. First up is one of my favorites -- pressing leaves into a book. Coco and I love this one. Mommy picks a book and Coco goes and fetches a beautiful orange and red leaf from the yard. -I fell into a pile of leaves and no one knew where I was for a day.
10:43-No, no, no, no, no. It was not a day. I found you pretty quick, so. -You found me the next day. -No, no, no. Okay. It was not the next day. You were gone from noon to night, and you were gone 12 hours at most. And then we pressed a leaf into a book. -Well, I didn't have dinner. -Well, you did have dinner.
11:01You had pizza, so. -Well, I didn't like it. -Well -- Well, you ate it. -It's not dinner if you don't like it. -It is dinner if you don't like it! It doesn't matter if you don't like it! It's still dinner! You ate it! You ate it all! And that's dinner because you ate it and that's it! That's what dinner is!
11:15[ Laughter ] I love you. [ Laughter ] What did you say, Colin? -Uh, nothing. Nothing for a while. [ Laughter ] Why don't you give us another fall tip? -Oh, I would love to. One of the things Coco and I love to do together is make these gorgeous dried apple dolls. And a fun fact -- We got the apples just this weekend at a beautiful local apple orchard.
11:48-My mom kissed a farmer. -No, no, Coco. No. -My mom stuck me in the corn maze for three hours so she could kiss a farmer. -Okay. No, no, no, no, you got lost in the corn maze. And I was helped by a farmer. -Who you kissed. -For a second! I kissed him for a second because I was scared that I couldn't find you.
12:08-You weren't scared when you kissed him by the car. -You -- Okay, okay, okay, okay. You are lost on the details of this story, Coco. I mean, you don't know. And it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter! Because I found you, and we had a great fall day, and we made apple dolls, and here it is! [ Laughter ] And you're my best friend!
12:33Colin, say it again for me. -I have said nothing. [ Laughter ] -Great. For my next spunky fall tip -- -Is the farmer my dad now? -No, Coco. The farmer's not your dad now. Jesus. -Okay, then who is? -Coco, Coco bean, you are not doing this right now. -Can I have another clue? -No. I've given you three clues.
12:55You have enough clues. -I'm sorry. What are the clues? -Over 50, on TV, openly and proudly gay. -Okay. -Well, I mean, now I definitely want to know. -Well, I want to know how cool everyone thinks it is to serve soup in a pumpkin. [ Laughter ] -Is it Sean Hayes? -That's what I said! -Right? -Coco, stop it!
13:18-A mother whose babysitter canceled, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ] Nathan Lane? For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost. -I'm Michael Che. Good night. [ Cheers and applause ]
More Saturday Night Live transcripts
The transcript comes from the captions YouTube has for this video, and the summary is written by AI, so both can contain mistakes. Creators can ask us to remove a transcript on the contact page.
← Transcribe another video